Sunday, October 25, 2015

Trick or Treat?

 Today is the one day a year I get to scare the crap out of little kids without worrying about being arrested. Trick or Treating is today in our small town and my wife and I plan to sit on the porch and piss parents off by inserting little nightmares into their kids heads. Hey, if you don't like it then get off my lawn! Just keep walking and take your snot nose kids somewhere else. 
 It's just not the same as it was when we were young. We went out AT NIGHT. We would run from house to house across strange lawns in the DARK. We got hurt all the time from tripping over down spouts or bird baths or even running directly into a tree, and we liked it! It was fun. Costumes never made it through a whole night of terrorizing the neighborhood. They looked like they had been in a war and they were. We fought to be the first to the next house to reap our reward. Ya every so often we had to back track and pick up our wounded or perform a search and rescue mission on a spilled bag of treats, but then we would always push on and complete the mission.
 I said treats, not candy, because we often got homemade goodies and nobody worried about it being poisoned or containing a razor blade. Ya it was kinda hard to deal with a caramel apple while on the run but that's just one of the basic skills we learned as youngsters. Oh ya, candy bars came in one size. Regular size, not this micro sized sampler they are pushing these days.
 Today I will see a whole range of costumes and most of them will not even be intended to look scary. Cute is in, scary is out. That's BS.
 "Mommy, hold my hand and get that piece of candy for me". Not at my house. If you won't walk up and get your own treat then just turn your Spongebob ass around and keep walking down the sidewalk to the next house. Don't worry about crossing the street. The city officials will have checkpoints setup at all entrances to the neighborhood to keep things safe for you.

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